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T O P F I V E S H O W P R E P E D I T I O N
From the laugh-lined tanks of Old Latopfive.
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November 18, 2005
Today's "Top 10" List
The Top 17 Signs You've Been in College Too Long
17> None of the other engineering students ask to borrow your
slide rule any more.
16> You're the only guy in the dorm who makes White Russians
with Ensure.
15> Your frat brothers are crazy about you since they know
they'll get free beer for a week when your Social Security
check arrives.
14> Your freshman year Contemporary Civics courses now count
towards your Ancient History Studies major.
13> That creepy older guy at parties is creeped out by you.
12> Your thesis on "Strategies for Coping With Polio in the
United States" is coming along nicely.
11> Your freshman-year roommate was just named AARP's Man of
the Year.
10> If course credits were skeeball tickets, you'd own a freakin'
Chuck E. Cheese franchise by now.
9> You've just been informed that the school will no longer
accept your Introduction to Bloodletting and Leeches credits
towards your pre-med degree.
8> Liver spots make the cheat notes on your hand damn near
impossible to read.
7> Your accumulated student loans now show up as a line item
in the national budget.
6> Accumulated parking stickers add six inches to the rear
bumper of your Edsel.
5> Your classmates: hip hop and thongs.
You: hip replacement and Depends.
4> Your beer-can pyramid can now be seen from space.
3> You swore you wouldn't shave your goatee until after
graduation, and your classmates have nicknamed you "Gandalf."
2> You still chide those nancy-boy footballers for wearing
helmets.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Been in College Too Long...
1> You spoil the fun at your fraternity's wet T-shirt contest
by yelling at the drunken sorority girls to get the hell off
the frat-house lawn.
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RUNNERS UP
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After a heavy rainfall, frat boys have boat races in the path
you've worn between your building and the quad.
After all those years of "not inhaling" your lungs just quit
working altogether.
After you complete English 999, the school makes you start again
with English 101 the next semester.
Co-eds are just too young to interest you any more.
During pledge week, you're forced to do Geritol shooters.
Fellow students think that "Sis! Boom! Bah!" is an abbreviated
admission of incest.
In your 19th-Century History class, the prof defers all questions
to you.
In your ongoing attempt to pass English 102, you've nailed three
consecutive generations of Professor Crabapples.
Man, after a couple hits from your roommate's bong, that President
Truman dude starts to sound like a horse's ass.
Now when you yell out, "Show me your breasts!" you're talking to
the cafeteria cook about her lovely chicken Florentine.
Some 38 hazing rituals and drinking games can be traced directly
to you.
That G-string you scored in the latest panty raid? Your
granddaughter's.
The concept of Infinity finally clicks as you're studying for your
23rd Introductory Calculus final.
The frat boys haven't slipped you a single roofie since you got
that walker.
The library named after you was pulled down to make way for a
stadium named after your grandson.
The only "Girl Gone Wild" you can remember is Laurel Thatcher
Ulrich.
The trustees have officially changed the school nickname to the
Notre Dame Belligerent-Drunk Seans.
There are more letters *after* your name than *in* it.
When viewed from above, the carvings you've made in each desktop
in the lecture hall form a perfect replica of the Mona Lisa.
You can remember when "passing your orals" was about your thesis
and didn't involve spitting or swallowing.
You entertain the thought of an affair with your professor, but
he's just too damn young.
You take English Lit in a building named for your freshman
roommate's second wife.
You're on the dean's list -- of students not to resuscitate.
You've declared more majors than an officers' club call girl.
You've had more blackouts than the state of California.
Your admission into Skull and Bones was based solely on appearance.
Your biggest complaint about the food is the lack of early-bird
specials in the cafeteria.
Your frat brothers accidentally hire your granddaughter as the
"entertainment" for the "Let's Get Lei'd" party.
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HONORABLE MENTIONS
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Anna Nicole keeps sitting next you in the cafeteria.
Freshman year: President Bush, Iraq war. Senior year: Pretty much
the same.
Guys at the frat house refer to you as "Obi Wan."
In order to attend your classes, you have to make special
arrangements with the driver of your assisted living facility's
shuttle van.
The cancellation of "Star Trek: Enterprise" means for the first
time in 18 years you have no term paper case study material.
The college health clinic has just informed you they do not accept
Medicare.
The football team no longer rallies to your cheers of "23 Skiddoo!"
The history book has you on the cover.
The red paint on your raccoon coat has already begun to wear off.
There's a poster of Spuds McKenzie hanging on your dorm room wall.
They no longer sell computers that can read your admission record.
This year's "girls gone wild" in your dorm are the result of girls
going wild your freshman year.
When you started, Penn State was known as Penn Colony and majoring
in American History wasn't even an option.
You can no longer take notes now that they've banned chisels from
campus.
You just crossed out "Vietnam" on your protest poster and wrote in
"Iraq."
You think MTV's "The Real World" actually represents the real
world.
You wear your pants higher than the dean.
You're referring to the tenured profs as "hotties."
Your England Dan & John Ford Coley 8-tracks don't get you nearly
the play they used to.
Your cheerleading position at the bottom of the pyramid has
resulted in three broken hips.
Your chemistry professor sometimes refers to you as "Dad."
Your classmates: beer bong. You: Metamucil bong.
Your daughter warns you not to expect an easier time in Chemistry
205 this semester just because she's the prof.
Your idea of a drinking-game version of Bridge just isn't catching
on.
Your kids constantly gripe about your tuition bills.
Your roommate has run out of pranks involving your colostomy bag.
Your testicles are dangling out of your gym shorts.
Your walker makes it tough to roller blade off to your next class
like the other kids.
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~~~~ The TopFive Too Much Fun Links of the Day! ~~~~
Thanksgiving Soft Drinks
Why bother cooking when you can just open a bottle instead?
http://www.jonessoda.com/files_new/turkey05.html
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Cannibal or Coder?
Can you tell the computer hackers from the corpse hackers?
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz
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--==++ TopFive's Current Events ++==--
Wal-Mart recently posted record revenues for the quarter, driving
share prices up sharply to $49.27. By noon the next day, though,
Wal-Mart store managers had lowered the price to only $39.67.
A man wearing nothing but a baseball cap and a necklace broke
into a retirement home in Elon, North Carolina. Keary Davis
activated an entrance alarm at the Oaks Retirement Center on
October 29 and was caught as he tried to escape. Davis is set
to appear in court on November 29 and has also been booked for
a repeat performance by the retirement home's women's group.
President Bush has been in Asia all week, with stops in
Japan, South Korea, China and Mongolia. White House
officials say the president is having a wonderful
time, but still hasn't seen anything worth invading.
Earlier this month, US-based Lunar Embassy started selling domain
names for the "extra-terrestrial Internet," which the company
says will eventually include websites with such endings as .lunar
and .space. As expected, forward-thinking adult entertainment
companies quickly snapped up names with the .uranus extension.
Five-Word News Commentary:
---------------------------
Item: English pigeon doesn't have flu.
Comment: Just a carrier, say scientists.
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Today's Ruminations
Every year for Halloween, I give out my
famous "mouse heads." It's not what you
think: I coat them in chocolate first.
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I sometimes wonder if our daughters
McKinley, Kennedy and Madison regret
being named after presidents, because
little Fillmore Bush sure does.
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They say life is a comedy for those who think
and a tragedy for those who feel. I guess for
the other 95 percent, it's just must-see TV.
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As I sat handcuffed in the back seat
of the patrol car, I reflected that it
may not have been wise to comment to the
officer writing me a speeding ticket, "Can
you speed it up? I'm kind of in a hurry."
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It sure is great dating a Dutch woman.
She makes the best apple pie and
she always pays for her own dinner.
But whatever you do, do NOT let
her get the covers over your head.
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If the Jovian moon Europa has liquid water,
as many scientists believe, it could easily
harbor life, and that would be thrilling (unless
scientists say it wouldn't be thrilling, of course).
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I've just invented a new knick-knack
that makes all those other knick-knacks
look like worthless pieces of crap.
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My co-worker called me a loser because while he
was watching the football game, I was "probably
watching some documentary about hummingbirds in
the Himalayas." Well, *I* happen to know there
*are* no hummingbirds in the Himalayas. Guess I
showed him who's the loser! Besides, I was watching
a documentary about eucalyptus trees in Australia.
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Copyright 2005 by Chris White All rights reserved.
Subscribers to the TopFive Show Prep Edition have
the right to use this material on a single station.
Address changes? Problems? Let us know: cw@topfive.com
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T O P F I V E S H O W P R E P E D I T I O N
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