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Narrated by Marcel Marceau.
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April 10, 2008
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Love and Consequences, a memoir by a white woman who
claimed she was raised in poverty by a black foster
mother and sold drugs for a gang in a tough Los Angeles
neighborhood, has turned out to be 100% pure fiction.
The Top 15 Passages From a Fake Gang Memoir
(Part I)
- "Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a Mac 10 and a ho in spangled halter."
- "We knew we were in for a fight, facing the meanest roughest gang in the city, the N.O.A. -- the Old Order Amish. They were so tough, they dressed in all black, rode horses for transportation and didn't use cell phones or even electricity."
- "The solid gold grill wasn't my own idea -- I'd been given that after my initiation into the Cavity Crips."
- "He asked me if I was a playa. I grinned smugly and showed him my accordion case."
- "Teyshaun's transgression was forgivable this time, but the price of disobedience was still steep -- and perplexing, since he remained oblivious to the 'Kick Me' sign on his back."
- "There were days when there just wasn't anything to do, man, so, you know, we'd all hang on T-Piddle's porch and Snoopy would stick a CD in his boom box and we'd all chill to a bit of Cap'n & 10-Eel."
- "He screamed 'Get over here, bitches!' and obediently, all six Golden Retrievers trotted to his side."
- "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good firearm must be in want of a skanky ho with which to get down."
- "So L-Tee pulls me aside and says, 'I want to talk to you before your initiation.' I knew it was important as he looked me in the eye and said, 'When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way. From your first cigarette to your last dyin' day.'"
- "Fitty Percent did his job, taking out the bouncer by firing off round after round of devastatingly witty Bill Buckley quotes."
- "It was a classic East Coast vs. West Coast war as the two crews began an all-out campaign that would cause rivers of blood to flow throughout the city. Those marketing departments from 'L.A. Law' and 'NYPD Blue' cost many a network executive his job."
- "Competition among the street-corner dealers was fierce. But ultimately we ruled the hood, thanks to our exceptional customer service and liberal return policy."
- "The sun rose cheerlessly over our tenement slum in Bedford-Sty. A sickly beam of light barely pieced the gloom, but it was enough to illuminate the despair of mismatched Laura Ashley patterns on futon throw pillows."
- "In the past, I'd come across gangs that had their own colors, secret handshakes or graffiti symbols that only their members recognized. When I ran into the one that marked its members with those distinctively shaped black hats, though, I knew at once I had to join this secret society of 'Mouseketeers.'"
and the Number 1 Passage From a Fake Gang Memoir...
- "The rude pharmaceuticals vendor so offended my sensibilities that I ordered my valet to see him out immediately. I'm quite sure there followed a vigorous application of caps to posteriors, posthaste."
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Selected from 92 submissions from 34 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 1 (24th #1)
- Brian Daywalt, Wabash, IN -- 2
- Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 3
- Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT -- 4
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 5 Website / Hall of Famer
- Randy Lee, Burke, VA -- 6
- Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI -- 7, 14
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 8 Website / Hall of Famer
- Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA -- 9
- Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA -- 10
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 11 Hall of Famer
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 12 Hall of Famer
- Travis Ruetenik, Hiroshima, Japan -- 13
- J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA -- 15
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Master P, New Orleans, LA -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
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