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100% Flushable
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April 11, 2008
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
"Love and Consequences," a memoir by a white woman who
claimed she was raised in poverty by a black foster
mother and sold drugs for a gang in a tough Los Angeles
neighborhood, has turned out to be 100% pure fiction.
The Top 15 Passages From a Fake Gang Memoir
(Part II)
- "Holding an Uzi in my hands for the first time, I thought to myself, 'Gollllly! This bizzaby feelz right at hizzome.'"
- "Call me Ishmaizzle."
- "Us Crips were all about the Xbox 360 while those loser Bloods were extolling the supposed virtues of the lame-ass Playstation 2. As if."
- "The solid gold grill wasn't my own idea -- I'd been given that after my initiation into the Cavity Crips."
- "'Listen up, yo!' said B-DazzL in a voice so stern everyone immediately became silent. 'The losing side has to clean up the neighborhood.'"
- "Crips? I thought we were getting crepes!"
- "Reginald was on the spot. He wanted to call the weekly Crips meeting to order, but the gang secretary hadn't returned yet from the Compton drive-by, and absolutely nobody could take meeting minutes like Giles."
- "You need a nickname to establish street cred, and our gang took theirs early on: Spank-E, Alf-Alpha, Sty-mee, B.Wheat and Darr-La."
- "Our enemies were the Crips -- named, I supposed, for their love of Tiny Tim from 'A Christmas Carol.'"
- "I took two shots in my gut. As the burning sensation set in, I realized that was the finest damned espresso this bitch ever slammed! Thank *YOU*, Madame Barista!"
- "Slash-K cursed sharply, then sheathed his Nokia with a vicious swipe and stood fuming as the rest of us looked on apprehensively. His Diner's Club was maxed, and some foie-gras-lovin' mofo was gonna pay."
- "We lived in the worst projects in Chicago. My wife Florida worked as a maid, but it was my boy JJ I was concerned about -- gangly but with an artist's flair, he would shout out the names of explosives randomly, like a terrorist with Tourette's."
- "The initiation was tough. Almost unbearable, in fact. And the worst part was the humiliation of the financial application and instant credit check."
- "The two gangs faced off in the middle of the street. Johnny, the leader of the bloods, drew his gun, leveled it at his opponent and half-shouted, 'Sir, I'll NOT be trifled with!'"
- "I thought I'd have to leave it behind, but now its so much better. I'm funking out in every way, but I'll never lose that feeling of how I learned my lesson that day. When they were dancing and singing and moving to the grooving, and just when it hit me, somebody turned around and shouted, 'Play that funky music, white boy!"
and the Number 1 Passage From a Fake Gang Memoir...
- "Out here, you either go hard or you end up flat on your back with a tag wrapped around your big toe, and I can tell you THIS stone-cold G's first little piggy don't want no goddamn cardboard gettin' in the way of its roast beef!"
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Selected from 92 submissions from 34 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA -- 1 (56th #1) Website / Hall of Famer
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 2, 13
- Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT -- 3
- David Kass, Queens, NY -- 4 Hall of Famer
- Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 5
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 6 Hall of Famer
- Adela Branson, Soda Springs, ID -- 7
- Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 8
- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 9
- Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI -- 9
- Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA -- 10
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 11 Hall of Famer
- Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 12 Hall of Famer
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 14 Hall of Famer
- J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA -- 14
- Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- 15
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Banner Tag Hall of Famer
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- John Zorn, New York, NY -- Ambience (explanation)
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