================================================================== C L U B T O P 5 Warning: Do not put in fire -- may explode or leak. ================================================================== April 14, 2004 The Top 15 Personal Ads Placed by Animals 15> Rhino: Horny? I mean *REALLY* horny? Me, too! 14> Elephant: Seeking BBF pachyderm who wants to embrace some tail. No fatties, please. 13> Fly: Single black female Musca Domestica has compound eye out for that special male who'll share laughs, intimacy, turds. 12> Horse: Hot filly ISO stud horse hung like same. 11> Cat: Single declawed male tabby seeks similar female for LTR. I'm not just looking for some pussy. 10> Parakeet: ISO loyal mate. Burned once when "significant other" turned out to be self in mirror. 9> Pig: You root for me and I'll pork you! (Pigs only, please.) 8> Lion: Single tawny lion seeks zebra into extreme S&M for very-short-term relationship. 7> Platypus: Seeking mate. Funny-looking applicants need not apply. 6> Praying Mantis: Looking for a mate who's willing to lose his head over me. 5> Bear: Single brown professional bear seeks female bear for companionship. Must share passion to keep fires out of the forest -- and *in* the bedroom. No smokers. 4> Mouse: Looking for a stable, stay-at-nest kinda guy. I don't give a rat's ass about looks. 3> Squirrel: Wild and crazy guy seeks soul mate for outdoor frolicking, al fresco dining and terrorizing blue-haired park interlopers. 2> Sloth: Looking for someone willing to take things slowly. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Personal Ad Placed by an Animal... 1> Dog: Who's a pretty girl? Who's a pretty girl?!? Is it you? *Is* it? Leave your reply on the oak outside 1432 Crestwood. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] ================================================================== "Mutual of Ohmagod" and "Help Wanted" The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions for today's list come later in this message. ================================================================== Selected from 76 submissions from 34 contributors. Today's Top 5 List authors are: ------------------------------------------------------------------ Andrea Crain, Madison, WI -- 1 (2nd #1) Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX -- 2, 7 Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA -- 3, Honorable Mention name Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 3 Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 4, 11 Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 5, 13, Topic, RU list name Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Michael Sheinbaum, Exton, PA -- 6 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 8 (Hall of Famer) Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 9 Gene Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 10 Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 10 (Hall of Famer) Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 12 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 14 (Hall of Famer) Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA -- 15 (Hall of Famer) Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 15 Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Eric Burdon, Walker-on-Tyne, England -- Ambience Ambience explained: http://www.topfive.com/arcs_am/am041404.shtml ================================================================== ~~~~ ClubTop5 Too Much Fun Links of the Day ~~~~ Windows Noises Very clever sound editing. http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/noises.php Thanks to Kevin Fizz for the tip. -=++=- ZaZoo Birth control -- don't be without it. http://c.adorablebunnies.com/wrap_it.mpg Thanks to Jim Phynn for the tip. -=++=- Send submissions to 2much@topfive.com ================================================================== --==++ Rumination of the Day ++==-- So who the hell gives a rat's ass about some moron publisher who rejects *my* children's book, but still prints Aesop's stupid-ass friggin' fables? But maybe that's just sour grapes. (Larry Hollister) Send submissions to submit@ruminate.com ================================================================== --==++ TopFive's Current Events ++==-- After just five years of marriage, actress/model Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and actor/musician John Stamos have separated. Representatives say Rebecca called off the marriage when she realized she had actually married that guy from "Full House." (James Floyd, Danny Gallagher) Wal-Mart has introduced a "family friendly" DVD player, pre- programmed to instantly delete scenes containing sex, violence or rough language. The company touts the machine's ability to not only enable better parental control but also to view the entire Quentin Tarantino film catalog in eight minutes flat. (Dan Weckerly) After hearing testimonials from several high-ranking terror experts and defense officials, the 9/11 Commission is blaming the FBI for the lacking the resources to prevent the 9/11 attacks. Former FBI Director Louis Freeh later took the chair and blamed the Bush administration for cutting the FBI's budget. Bush Administration officials are expected to blame the House of Representatives for approving those budget cuts; the House will blame the Senate for passing the budget cuts; the Senate will blame the American people for wanting tax rebates; and the American people are expected to blame Kevin Bacon. (Danny Gallagher) Send Current Events submissions to: events@topfive.com ================================================================== The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions ---------------------------------------------- Runners up were almost good enough to make the main list, but got edged out by other submissions. Honorable mentions were good enough to still deserve some recognition. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Personal Ads Placed by Animals RUNNERS UP list -- Mutual of Ohmagod ------------------------------------------------------------------ Bear: Fun-loving, dependable guy seeks mate who shares my passion for scat fun in the woods. (Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI) (Brandon Muller, Las Vegas, NV) Cat: Cute tabby looking fo-- Hey! String! (Brandon Muller, Las Vegas, NV) Chicken: Wild and Sexy Teen Hens Aching for Cocks! We Cluck You Long Time! (Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH) Dachshund: Seeking passive declawed cat into humiliation. (Paul Lara, San Antonio, TX) Dog: SWD seeks bitch or leg for short-term commitment. (Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX) Dog: Seemingly passive Rottweiler seeks owner interested in getting on Six O'Clock News. (Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA) German Shepherd: Seeking leg for long-term humping. No rolled newspapers or garden hoses, please. (Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL) Goldfish: Love swimming in circles, exploring ancient castles and dining on your own feces? Contact me! (Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL) Monkey: Horny male rhesus seeking like-minded female for fling. Must have own poo. (Dave Henry, Slidell, LA) Tiger: Single white feline ISO new relationship to sink teeth into. No Germans. (Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA) Runner Up list name (Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH) ------------------------------------------------------------------ Personal Ads Placed by Animals HONORABLE MENTION list -- Help Wanted ------------------------------------------------------------------ Amoeba: ISO me. (Michael Sheinbaum, Exton, PA) Black widow spider: I'm incredibly fun to be with... until I kill you! (Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA) Cows: Genetically modified bull seeks sturdy heifer. Growth hormone injections okay. (Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL) Dog: Old English Sheepdog ISO same for shagging. (Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA) Donkey: Desires bigass turnout to lick Bush this November. (Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA) King Snake: ISO who can swallow me... whole (Paul Lara, San Antonio, TX) Lion: King of jungle seeks multiple lionesses for casual mating and general lounging around. No jealous types. (Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA) Penguin: Lonely flightless waterfowl seeks mate who enjoys formal black-tie affairs and romantic moonlit waddles on the glacier. (Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA) Porcupine: Female seeks male for romantic encounter, followed by first-aid treatments. (Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX) Tiger: Trophy room tiger seeks companionship. I give good head. (Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA) Turtle: Single turtle seeks other turtle for companionship. Must have some idea how to mate. (Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX) Wanted: Naughty tomcat for a purr-fect get together. Or not. Maybe yes, maybe no. I'll see how I feel then. (Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL) Worms: Hermaphroditic earthworm seeks same. (Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL) Honorable Mention list name (Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA) ================================================================== [TOPFIVE -- The Web's Best Original Humor http://www.topfive.com] ------------------------------------------------------------------ The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-subscribe@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-subscribe@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-subscribe@topica.com ------------------------------------------------------------------ C L U B T O P 5 ==================================================================