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Selections from the opera "La Topfivieta"
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April 28, 2008
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Airlines are dropping like flies, with several
going out of business in the last couple of weeks
and more than a few hanging on by a thread.
"But Chris, how can we tell if the airline
we're flying on is about to bite the dust?"
Glad you asked...
The Top 16 Signs an Airline Is About to Fold
- Your plane has a "For Sale By Owner" sign taped in the cockpit window.
- The upholstered seats have been replaced by rows of folding chairs bungeed together.
- "Ladies and gentlemen, our next -- and final -- stop will be Joe's Jumbo Jet Junk and Salvage, Mojave, California."
- Frequent flyer miles can be redeemed for prizes at Chuck E. Cheese.
- The new company logo: a tiny airplane circling a toilet bowl.
- Your Philly-to-Denver flight detours to Mexico because gas is cheaper there.
- Every flight on the departure board is number 86.
- Your baggage claim ticket consists of a Post-It, an eBay auction number, and a heartfelt "good luck bidding!"
- Mid-flight, your jet does 20 terrifying minutes of aerobatics so the pilot can make the contrails spell "WILL FLY FOR FOOD."
- In-flight meals are for rental only.
- "This is your captain speaking. We are on final approach to JFK. If a pile of Jacksons don't find their way into the hat your attendants will be passing around, I swear I will drill this baby right into the tarmac."
- Your meal from New York to London? Ramen noodles. The meal in first class? *Lobster* Ramen noodles.
- Carry-ons are prohibited so the overhead compartments can be sold as "upper berth timeshares."
- "Your headphones, sir. That will be $49,000, please."
- The in-flight snack now consists of sucking the chocolate off a Goober for 15 seconds before passing it to the person sitting behind you.
and the Number 1 Sign an Airline Is About to Fold...
- "This is your captain speaking. In just a moment, those of you on the left side of the plane will be able to see me avoid the shame of unemployment by leaping to my death."
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Selected from 110 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 1 (41st #1) Hall of Famer
- Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA -- 2
- Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 3
- Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL -- 4, 15, 16 (Hat trick!)
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 4, 7 Hall of Famer
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4 Hall of Famer
- Richard Skora, Columbus, OH -- 5, 9
- Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY -- 6, 16
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 6 Website / Hall of Famer
- Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA -- 6
- David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA -- 6
- Brad Hamer, Austin, TX -- 8
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 10 Website / Hall of Famer
- Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- 11, Topic
- Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 12
- Michael Sheinbaum, Guilford, CT -- 13 Website
- Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA -- 14 Hall of Famer
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 14 Website / Hall of Famer
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Steely Dan, New York, NY -- Ambience (explanation)
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