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What can Five do for you?
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July 31, 2007
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
It seems there's an awful lot of awful
stuff being imported from China these days.
"But Chris," you ask, "How can we tell if
an imported product is of subpar quality?"
The Top 16 Signs Imported
Goods Aren't Up to Snuff
- Let's just say there's something rather twisted about these wax candles from Brazil.
- There's an expiration date on your carton of Shat-o #1 Super Happy French Bordo Wine.
- Occasional shards of flea collar and ID tag indicate this manufacturer egregiously misinterpreted the concept of "Puppy Chow."
- The "Calvin" who's peeing on things in your new car window sticker actually appears to be Charlie Brown.
- "Produced Lovingly in China to Help You Imperialist Bastards Control Your Pet Population."
- You've never heard of a fishalope before.
- While Harry Potter certainly has done a lot of scary things in his books, you're pretty sure marrying Yoko Ono wasn't one of them.
- The talking teddy bear you got your child for Christmas will only say: "Hug me. I'm fat and soft like an American."
- Your new lambada DVD turns out to be video of an Iranian man with a ferret in his pants.
- The Canadian bacon on your pizza tastes just like ham.
- The very first cotton ball you pull out of the bag has a scab on it.
- Your daughter has been crying for a week over Hello Kitty's lazy eye.
- That edition of Windows Vista Ultimate you ordered through the Chinese website for $20 is working flawlessly.
- Your Persian rug keeps coughing up hairballs.
- Damn cheap Chinese heroin! An hour later, you just want another fix.
and the Number 1 Sign Imported Goods Aren't Up to Snuff...
- NOW ENJOY TOPFIVE GOODNESS FUNNY TIME!!!!
(assembled in the USA from overseas humor material)
Our ClubTop5 members get to see the
Runner Up and Honorable Mention items
for today's list, plus much MUCH more.
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Selected from 78 submissions from 29 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 1 (14th #1)
- Richard Skora, Columbus, OH -- 2
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 3 Website / Hall of Famer
- Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 4
- Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO -- 5
- Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA -- 6
- Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT -- 7
- Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 8 Website
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 9
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 10 Website
- Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- 11
- Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA -- 12
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 13 Hall of Famer
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 14 Website / Hall of Famer
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 15 Hall of Famer
- Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 16 Website / Hall of Famer
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- topic Website / Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- China Crisis, Kirkby, Merseyside, England -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
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