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Electrolyte-enhanced comedy
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July 26, 2007
The Top 17 Signs of Progress in Iraq
- Completion of Grand Sultan Cheney's retirement palace is way ahead of schedule.
- Baghdad International Airport is now running two non-stop flights a day to Guantanamo Bay.
- Internet cafes recently upgraded to 9600 baud modems.
- Al-Qaeda recruitment continues to rise, giving us the advantage of more targets and an easier-to-locate enemy.
- All those car bombs make the lines at the Baghdad DMV much shorter.
- Animal control in Baghdad is no longer an issue following the arrival of Corporal Michael Vick.
- Eighty-four percent of American schoolchildren now know the difference between Iraq, the country we invaded and occupy and Iran, the country we intend to invade and occupy.
- Old most popular name: Abdul.
New most popular name: Condoleezza.
- Tikrit Starbucks head barista Chemical Ali makes one mean Kona-Blend Frappucino!
- Former site of the torn-down statue of Saddam now sports a cheery Bob's Big Boy statue.
- Cutting out the middleman, the military is now taking down insurgents with weapons that fire actual tax dollars.
- Clitoral circumcision now limited to camels.
- Forty-two percent of Iraqis now have Internet access and are calling for the stoning of Paris Hilton.
- Insurgents no longer using threats and violence to rig elections now that they can do it electronically with state-of-the-art Diebold voting machines.
- New diamond lanes let you whiz by suicide bombers stuck in rush-hour traffic.
- The Iraqi Parliament finally ratified a U.S-style constitution with three branches of government: Legislative, Judicial and Halliburton.
and the Number 1 Sign of Progress in Iraq...
- Admit it: A resurgent Baath Party sounds like a sudsy, kinky good time!
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Selected from 105 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Joseph Moore, Concord, CA -- 1 (30th #1) Hall of Famer
- John J. Brassil, Nashville, TN -- 2, 12
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 3, 5 Hall of Famer
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 4 Hall of Famer
- Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA -- 6
- Travis Ruetenik, Hiroshima, Japan -- 7
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 8 Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 9
- Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA -- 9
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 10 Hall of Famer
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 11 Hall of Famer
- John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- 13
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 14 Hall of Famer
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 15 Website / Hall of Famer
- Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT -- 16
- Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 17 Website / Hall of Famer
- David Kass, Queens, NY -- Topic Hall of Famer
- Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- Banner Tag
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Beastie Boys, New York, NY -- Ambience (explanation)
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