December 19, 2007
The Top 14 Signs Santa Needs to Lose Some Weight
(Part I)
- Each year the naughty list increases in reverse proportion to his ability to haul his fat ass off the couch.
- He's started stealing sugar plums from children's visions.
- His fed up cardiologist wrote a letter to the newspaper titled "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. But this is the last year."
- The reindeer have been replaced by eight Clydesdales and a moose.
- Children are freaking out when they find Santa no longer has a lap.
- Got stuck in the chimney at Three Mile Island.
- His orbit around the Earth is beginning to effect the tides.
- The one and only present on Mrs. Claus's list? "Shallow Hal Slim-Ray Spectacles."
- His new nickname around the North Pole: Santa the Hutt.
- Comet: sciatica. Donner: pulled hamstring. Dasher: torn ACL. And Rudolph is faking a limp.
- This year rather than the customary milk and cookies, Santa is asking for oxygen and meth.
- Sudden worldwide felt shortage.
- When he gets up from his La-Z-Boy, he's got not one but TWO elves lodged between his butt cheeks.
and the Number 1 Sign Santa Needs to Lose Some Weight...
- A partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds -- and that's just his appetizer.
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Selected from 101 submissions from 36 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL -- 1, 14 (29th #1)
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 2
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 2 Website / Hall of Famer
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 3, 8 Hall of Famer
- Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA -- 3
- Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT -- 4, 11
- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 5, 13
- J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA -- 5, 9
- Brad Hamer, Austin, TX -- 5
- Gretchen Koch, Brookfield, IL -- 5
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 5 Hall of Famer
- Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA -- 6
- Matt Moore, Fresno, CA -- 7
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 8 Hall of Famer
- Richard Skora, Columbus, OH -- 9
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 10 Hall of Famer
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 11 Hall of Famer
- Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA -- 12
- Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- List moderator
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Hall & Oates, Philadelphia, PA -- Ambience (explanation)
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