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I am TopFive's raging bile duct.
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April 25, 2008
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Cult. Wacky religion. Feds raid a ranch in Texas.
What's not to make fun of?
The Top 16 Signs You Might Be in a Cult
- "Today's reading is from the Gospel according to Melvin..."
- Your 2007 tax return listed as a business expense $175,000 for paper daisies.
- "Teh Elevnth Cumanmint: Thou Shalt Not Cuvit Dogs... DO NOT WANT!"
- The only people you associate with also own a Macintosh.
- You find yourself cashless, homeless, wifeless and nutless with your hopes pinned to a spaceship which was *supposed* to be here last week.
- Lucky you: Your 16th birthday and your 5th wedding anniversary fall on the same day!
- Despite having less sex appeal than Charles Nelson Reilly, you get more tail than Charlie Sheen.
- Sunday after Mass, instead of lunch at the IHOP, Dad pulls the minivan into Astrid Galaxicorr's Teleportational Applesauce Hut.
- Your creepy leader molests the children, but is never transferred.
- Your sure-fire plan to keep your husband's eyes from wandering to his other wives: Start dressing like that slut Laura Ingalls Wilder.
- Day after day, you optimistically write funny entries for an Internet site that is read mainly by people who optimistically write funny entries for the same Internet site, and you continue to cling to the hope that your androgynously named 50-year-old totalitarian leader will someday get around to demanding you join him for an incredibly demeaning and comically brief sexual encounter.
- "The first rule of Flying Saucer and Sex Club is: You do not talk about Flying Saucer and Sex Club."
- The church picnic is ruined when John Travolta lands his 707 in the potato salad.
- Your granddaughter misses your 40th birthday celebration because she's in labor.
- Constant back-talk from your 15-year-old -- and you're afraid it might turn your *other* wives against you.
and the Number 1 Sign You Might Be in a Cult...
- You've signed over all your worldly possessions, cut off contact with lifelong friends and are no longer allowed to make even the smallest decision without the Leader's approval. But don't panic! Check your ring finger; you might just be married!
Our ClubTop5 members get to see the
Runner Up and Honorable Mention items
for today's list, plus much MUCH more.
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Selected from 97 submissions from 35 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 1, 4 (22nd #1)
- Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT -- 2
- Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL -- 3, 7, 10 (Hat trick!)
- Elizabeth Black, Asotin, WA -- 5 Website
- Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA -- 5
- Gideon Griebenow, Johannesburg, S. Africa -- 6
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 6 Website / Hall of Famer
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 8 Hall of Famer
- Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 9 Website / Hall of Famer
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 11 Hall of Famer
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 12
- Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX -- 12 Website
- David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA -- 13
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 14 Website / Hall of Famer
- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 15
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 16 Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Mudvayne, Peoria, IL -- Ambience (explanation)
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© Copyright 1994-2008. All rights reserved.
TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.
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