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June 25, 2008
The Top 18 Signs You Need a New Car
- Your mechanic charges you a "pain and suffering" fee.
- The speedometer only goes up to XV.
- The wood paneling on your station wagon peeled off and revealed some downright hideous wallpaper.
- It's awfully hard to get busy in the back of your skateboard.
- The only thing in the dash that still functions is the 8-track tape player, and your Uriah Heep tape is almost worn out.
- When you park, you put a "Vehicle Not Abandoned" sign in the window.
- You got your fourth speeding ticket this week as a result of inaccurate conversions from the speedometer's furlongs-per-fortnight readings.
- Not only isn't the in-dash Victrola XM-ready, it also skips a hell of a lot.
- Yours suffered some bullet-hole damage when you tried to run over Dubya during his "Victory Over the WMDs" parade in downtwon Baghdad.
- You can't make it smell fresh and lovely anymore, no matter how much Summer's Eve you use.
- Your genuine stegosaurus-hide upholstery is beginning to crack.
- Your factory-installed GPS keeps warning you that you're about to fall off the edge of the Earth.
- You can't convince Rick Ocasek to join you on the reunion tour.
- An Amish man shouts, "Perchance the time is nigh to upgrade thy wagon," as he passes you in his buggy.
- Tires by Firestone; brakes by Flintstone.
- Billy Joel just borrowed yours to run to the store for another 12-pack.
- The "Verily, checque thine engine soone!" torch keeps igniting.
and the Number 1 Sign You Need a New Car...
- Your exhaust trail has caused so much environmental damage, Al Gore turned in his Nobel Peace Prize and headed straight for a gun shop.
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Selected from 103 submissions from 38 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 1 (59th #1) Website / Hall of Famer
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 2, 12 Website / Hall of Famer
- Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 3, 6
- Matt Kall, Solon, OH -- 4
- Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 5
- Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 5, 8
- Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA -- 7
- Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX -- 9
- Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA -- 10
- Richard Skora, Columbus, OH -- 11
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 11 Hall of Famer
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 13 Hall of Famer
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 14
- Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA -- 14
- Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 14 Hall of Famer
- Andy Grosser, Boston, MA -- 15
- Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA -- 16, 17 Website
- Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA -- 17
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 18 Hall of Famer
- Pam Howell, Williston, FL -- Banner tag
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- The New Cars, Boston, MA -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
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