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March 22, 2007
The Top 17 Signs You're
a Victim of Identity Theft
- Your mother no longer complains that you never write or call.
- Every week, boxes of vials and syringes show up at your doorstep -- and you're neither a doctor nor a professional athlete.
- All this spam *must* be for some unknown small-penised imposter.
- Scruffy male prostitutes approach you and you wife in the church parking lot, talking gibberish about "backdoor confessionals" and your "meth tab." Of *course* someone stole your identity -- you're a PREACHER, for God's sake!
- In spite of a tireless work ethic and a 100% conviction rate, you're inexplicably fired by Attorney General Gonzales.
- Suddenly you've got subscriptions to both Ebony and Jet. (Michael Richards only)
- Your savings: gone.
Your credit cards: maxed.
Your credit score: 11.
But based their sales records, you're the Customer of the Year at Robot Babes 'R' Us.
- "Yeah, that's an awesome moonwalk, but I'm tellin' ya: Another white lady already came in and cashed the February royalty check for 'Billie Jean.'"
- "Take it up with eBay, mister; I'm leaving the goat here."
- Someone seems to have jeopardized your '08 presidential chances by stealing your "Senator from New York" ID and voting to authorize the war on Iraq.
- Three doctors show up at your house to collect the organs you promised to donate when you died.
- Your Amex card disappeared last week, and now your son's sleepover friend is the only kid in elementary school who owns a Lamborghini and a condo in Maui.
- After you make love to your wife, she says she prefers the other you.
- A faxed copy of your credit report kills so many trees that Al Gore comes to your office and slaps you silly.
- Netflix just shipped you "Slutty Slutty Gang Bang." Either you're a victim of identity theft or you're about to be a victim or spousal abuse.
- "Dear Ms. Hilton, thank you for your recent purchase of 'Rocket Science for Virgins....'"
and the Number 1 Sign You're a Victim of Identity Theft...
- That $400 billion the Pentagon has spent on the war in Iraq just showed up on your VISA statement.
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Selected from 93 submissions from 35 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 1, 12 (17th #1)
- Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA -- 2
- Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA -- 3, 12
- Brian Daywalt, Wabash, IN -- 3, 16
- Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA -- 4
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 5, Topic
- Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX -- 6, 7 Website
- Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 8
- Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 9 Hall of Famer
- John J. Brassil, Nashville, TN -- 10
- Matt Moore, Fresno, CA -- 11
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 13 Hall of Famer
- Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 14 Website / Hall of Famer
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 15
- Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- 16, Banner Tag
- Jennifer Ford, Chicago, IL -- 17 Website
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Madness, Camden, London, England -- Ambience (explanation)
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