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Apply TopFive directly to funny bone!
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September 13, 2007
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
General David Petraeus is testifying this week on Capitol
Hill with the nation split on whether he can be trusted
to tell the truth about the Iraq war. Some consider him
to be credible and trustworthy, while others think he's
nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Bush administration.
TopFive, as always, will be the axe striking at the
heart of the log to further divide our great nation!
The Top 17 Surprises in General Petraeus's Report
- His testimony opened with a lackluster number by a bikini-clad Condi Rice.
- Points to New England Patriots week-one NFL win as proof the surge is working.
- Sand *really* starts to chafe after eight or nine months.
- "A mouthpiece for the Bush administration? Oh, please! Let me get back to you on whether there's any truth to that rumor."
- "I have some rather grim news, Senator: the Iraqi people *love* Jerry Lewis."
- Most Iraqis surprised to discover democracy tastes like chicken!
- "Surge, schmurge. Just give us more troops."
- "I love the smell of hummus in the morning. It smells like... victory."
- "Today's Baghdad News had front-page articles on Britney's stomach, Lindsay's rehab and Anna Nicole's baby -- and if THAT isn't Western democracy, I don't know what is!"
- Extensive Wikipedia footnotes.
- The Army's elite K-9 unit? Four teenagers and a talking Great Dane in a van.
- "I personally believe that U.S. Americans don't have maps of the Iraq, like, such as, South Africa and the Asian countries, to build up our future."
- In Baghdad, it's great taste. In Anbar Province, it's all about less filling.
- "Recent reports indicate the Shi-ites have improved thirty percent at bringing sexy back."
- Katie Couric will clean your clock at poker.
- "I'm not actually a commanding general -- but I do stay at the Baghdad Holiday Inn Express."
and the Number 1 Surprise in General Petraeus's Report...
- Tactical planners made the mistake of basing military strategy on the old "Dawn of the Dead," with the slow zombies, when Iraq is more like the new "Dawn of the Dead," with fast zombies.
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Selected from 107 submissions from 38 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX -- 1, 7 (11st #1)
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 2 Hall of Famer
- Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL -- 3 Hall of Famer
- Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX -- 4 Website
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 5 Website
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 6 Hall of Famer
- Um... Anonymous, Anytown, CA -- 8
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 9
- Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 10
- David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA -- 11
- Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 12 Website / Hall of Famer
- Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX -- 13
- Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA -- 14
- Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA -- 15
- Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX -- 16 Website
- Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT -- 17
- Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- Topic
- Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA -- Banner Tag
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Gregory Isaacs, Kingston, Jamaica -- Ambience (explanation)
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