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Hope I die before I get ol-- crap. Another missed deadline.
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July 23, 2007
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
On Saturday, your favorite humor list moderator celebrated
half a century of semi-clean living on this hunk of rock.
The worst part about it is that in Los Angeles, 50 is the
new 20 -- so I can't drink legally again until NEXT July.
"Chris, what other issues might an aging Internet-pioneer-
who-missed-the-'90s-IPOs have to deal with?" you ask? Trust
me, it can get ugly. Here's a little glimpse into my life...
The Top 20 Ways Chris Is Feeling His Mortality
- Has started ordering his Shirley Temples with an olive instead of a cherry.
- That once-cool full-back tattoo of Jacko moonwalking seems dated.
- "Oh, yeah? Well, when I was young, we didn't have amateur video webcams with free pornography! We had to steal Dad's Playboys from his closet!"
- His 13-year-old humor list wants the keys to the car, the phone rings non-stop and #7 wants to know if he can get a tattoo.
- Screams "Get a haircut, hippie!" every time Justin Timberlake is on TV.
- Then: sex, drugs and rock and roll. Now: MILF porn, Viagra and Yanni.
- Getting out of bed produces more pops, creaks and groans than an antique schooner made of Rice Crispies.
- Suddenly feels extra-pervy when wanking to Lindsay Lohan pix.
- Now needs a Clapper to raise the head of his Craftmatic bed so he can make sure nobody's messing with his Rascal at night.
- Monthly shipment of "Girls Gone Wild" videos now comes with Surgeon General's warning.
- With each passing day, Sophia Loren looks hotter and hotter.
- Thirty years removed from high-school Spanish class, a trip to Costa Rica for a quick lipo and bum lift resulted in man-boob augmentation surgery.
- Last year, had more hemorrhoids than drunken hookups.
- Has a cameo in Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" -- as a threatening source of methane.
- Was secretly ecstatic when the birthday stripper canceled and everyone ended up watching reruns of "Simon and Simon."
- It's a bitch finding dentures with a built-in grill.
- Every morning, the same damn IM from gr1mR34pr: "How r u feeling 2day?"
- His Depends make his Speedo lumpy in all the wrong places.
- When he runs out of lube to use with his love doll, it seems more like a woman his age.
and the Number 1 Way Chris Is Feeling His Mortality...
- These days when the hooker unzips his pants and reaches in, she finds his navel.
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Runner Up and Honorable Mention items
for today's list, plus much MUCH more.
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Selected from 104 submissions from 39 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA -- 1 (5th #1)
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 2 Hall of Famer
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 3, 7 Hall of Famer
- Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY -- 4, 11
- David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA -- 5
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 6, 16, 20 (Hat trick!) Website / Hall of Famer
- Brandon Eldridge, St. Louis, MO -- 8
- Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO -- 9, 12
- Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- 9
- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 10
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 13, Topic
- Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY -- 14
- Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 15 Website
- Elizabeth Black, Asotin, WA -- 17 Website
- Matt Kall, Solon, OH -- 18
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 19 Hall of Famer
- Tim H. Richweis, Wichita, KS -- Banner Tag
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Steely Dan, Annandale-on-Hudson, NY -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
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