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Sweetened with pure Peruvian butterfly milk.
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October 9, 2007
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
In yet another mind-boggling conclusion to a California
celebrity criminal trial, Phil Spector's jury hung 10-2 on
the question of whether he murdered actress Lana Clarkson.
The fact that he had a history of brandishing weapons when
women chose to leave his presence didn't sway the jury, nor
did his first words after the shooting, "I think I killed
somebody," which he uttered while holding the murder weapon.
So what DOES it take to convict a celebrity in California?
The Top 16 Ways to Get a Celebrity Convicted in California
- Don't charge him until he's killed at least TWO wives.
- Sign her up for a three-incarceration deal, with points off the gross.
- A criminal offense in Los Angeles? White shoes after Labor Day, baby.
- The crime: Asking Judge Judy if she's a real judge.
- Remind jurors that a guilty verdict ensures they won't be forced to sit through another Ben Stiller movie for at least 10 years.
- Introduce evidence exhibit A: her poor Q rating.
- The crime must occur in the Kodak Theater, during the Oscars, and the blood spatter must accidentally hits Spielberg, Hanks or Clooney.
- Cast Chuck Norris in the role of jury foreman.
- Slip a note to the jury letting them know a guilty version will get them alfalfa-sprouts-with-pesto-aioli sandwiches in their lunch room.
- Get a change of venue -- to Texas.
- Murder is one thing, but to get arrested a celeb must do something truly heinous. Like smoking in a restaurant.
- Make sure it's NOT the openly racist cop who plants the evidence, Einstein.
- Book him for a guest spot on "Law & Order: Celebrity Confessions."
- "And finally, ladies and gentleman of the jury: Please note the the defendant's yellow teeth and small, natural breasts."
- Spread the word that he's switching his party affiliation to Republican.
and the Number 1 Way to Get a Celebrity Convicted in California...
- Make sure he's a repulsive caricature of his former talented self, made creepy and eccentric by vast wealth and fame, cartoonishly deformed by multiple cosmetic surgeries and accused of the most heinous crimes against innocent childr-- Er, never mind.
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Selected from 115 submissions from 41 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 1 (85th #1) Hall of Famer
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 2 Hall of Famer
- Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 2 Website / Hall of Famer
- David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA -- 2
- Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX -- 2
- John J. Brassil, Nashville, TN -- 3
- Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 4 Hall of Famer
- Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX -- 5, 15
- Brad Wilkerson, Mesa, AZ -- 6, 10
- Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO -- 6
- Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA -- 7, 9
- Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX -- 8 Website
- David Kass, Queens, NY -- 11 Hall of Famer
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 11 Website / Hall of Famer
- Brian Daywalt, Wabash, IN -- 12
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 13
- Jeff Johnson, Los Altos, CA -- 13
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 13 Website / Hall of Famer
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 13 Hall of Famer
- Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA -- 14
- Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 15
- Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX -- 16 Website
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- The Temptations, Detroit, MI -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
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